Confessions of a Skinny Fat Girl

For those that have been following http://www.askcandice.blogspot.com/ , you have seen my outside transformation, and know what I have been doing over the last year. You would also know that I have lost 60lbs over the last year with a combination of different diet and exercise programs. I started blogging to keep me accountable to get my butt in gear and start working out again. It worked and has lead me to some amazing adventures, allowed me to meet some awesome people, and let me help those that I never would have otherwise. My biggest emphasis was committing to exercise, but now I need help committing to the nutrition.

For the most part, I eat well. I shoot for a balance in my meals between protein/carbs/fat/fiber, 4-5 meals a day. But remember, I haven't always been skinny... in fact, I have NEVER been skinny. This is all new for me! Growing up, the smallest I remember being was 170lbs when I was 12 years old, and wearing a size 12 pant. I remember always sneaking food... especially when we would go to my grandparents... it was like a week free for all. I'd find all of their hidden treats and devour! I remember buying ice cream and candy from the ice cream man with money my parents would give me, but as soon as he left, I would hurry and hop on my bike and ride to his next stop and buy more candy with money I had taken from my dads coin jar(sorry dad! lol)... This blog kinda sums it up on how I felt about food when I was little, and was part of the inspiration to create "Die Fat Girl." I recommend you read it, it's a hoot: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html

What is sad is even though I am an adult now, and have lost all this weight... I still feel like that little kid in the blog! I feel like I have a "fat girl" inside of me just dying to get out and destroy everything I have done! Does anyone else feel that way? I feel like I have been dieting my whole life that I just want to say screw it, throw it all out the window, and eat whatever I want! But I know better and care too much to do that. Because as soon as I stop caring, so will my body, and the "fat girl" will get loose. I've worked too hard and come too far, and know I have enough control of my "fat girl" to keep her from doing that!

So, that is the premises of this blog. I want to use it to work out my emotional link to food/eating and "kill the fat girl". Any time I refer to the "fat girl," it is that inner part of me that wants to go on a complete binge and destroy everything I have done. She has reared her ugly head many times over the last 6 months or so, and while I feel like I have her under control for now, she has surfaced as a binge eater in the past. There have been a good handful of times where I have either been at a party (social binge), been depressed (emotional binge), or couldn't fight the cravings any longer(deprived binge). There are more types of binges out there, but these are my main triggers.

When I say binge, I mean BINGE. This girl can EAT! There have been a good handful of times that when I have binged, I have eaten to the point of "full capacity" and have thrown up. I wasn't throwing up because I was worried about gaining weight, it has been because I was physically so full that I had to to relieve the pressure. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I've always tried to keep it real and honest on here, and part of killing my inner fat girl is to understand her as much as possible. If I hide and deny it, it is only hurting myself and enabling my inner fat girl. I am done enabling my inner fat girl. She tries to beat me down and let her self out, but I am stronger than her. She tries to indulge in negative self talk and self image. Even though I have lost all this weight, and have the "after" photos right in front of me, I still see every little imperfection, and don't feel like I've done good enough. Clothes and pictures are deciving. In clothes, I actually feel OK about myself and can see how far I have come. But as soon as I undress I can see the lose skin, fat folds, stretch marks, cottage cheese on my thighs, my thighs still touch, I have bad skin on the back of my arms, and my boobs are comepletly gone(that will change one day lol, so don't be surprised when it does), I can go on!

I get so caught up in the little imperfections, and negativity, that I forget about how far I have come, and what good my body has done! This can send me into a downward spiral, and only fuels the fat girl. From now on, I am going to focus on positive thinking, and good self image. I can do this. YOU can do this. I believe the only way we can kill our inner fat child is to love that child, and love ourselves for who we are. I have stretch marks and am proud of it! They allowed my belly to expand so I can have my children - I call them my battle wounds. I have earned them and wear them with pride. I have large thighs and a ghetto booty - they are my power and pride! I was able to use them to compete in track and field and get all of my college education paid for! I have cottage cheese - well, cottage cheese is one of my favorite easy snacks LOL - instead of eating candy or crap, I will eat cottage cheese with fruit and truvia to help fight the cottage chesse! I have no boobs now - I used them up to nurse my children. (although I'm planning on having this fixed one day - I don't want anything crazy, just what I used to have - hope you understand lol :)

Again, I can go on, but my point is instead of hating our bodies for what they are, we need to love them for what they can do for us, and they journey they have taken us through. You can change your body, but you have to start from the inside first. I started from the outside and still struggle with my inside, but I have learned and am working on fixing the problem, and hope that you can help me kill my inner fat girl by keeping me accountable. I plan on posting on my training page my food log, or as least what I am having, and if I have a breakdown, I will confess it on here. But hopefully by having this blog, it will keep me strong. I also hope to help others learn how to "Kill" their "Fat Girl." If you like what you read and want to help others like me, just spread the word and share my blog. Happy Losing everyone :)